Anger is a problem in my family. My dad has always carried big anger (he has PTSD and anxiety and an alcoholic father and siblings), and it simply simmers until he blows (at my mother) and then there is silence for days. My mother has always carried big anger, and it comes out as passive-aggressive digs and an attempt to manipulate and control the people around her. My brother has always carried big anger, and like my father, he blows (with cussing and physical aggression added to the mix) and then there is silence for YEARS. I've been on the receiving end of that silence 3 times, and for a total of about 9-10 years of my adult life. (No...I didn't commit crimes against him. Twice I loved people he didn't think I should love...one was too old, one had cancer. Once, my ex-husband, pre-D, said something he shouldn't have and gave away a secret--and I was held responsible for that.)
Anger used to be a problem for me, too. Like my mom's, mine was more of a passive-aggressive anger, and it came out generally at times I was feeling high anxiety or feeling unheard. It usually just led me to withdraw and shut down. (I'm sorry, my late loves who were sometimes on the receiving end of that.) I've done a lot of work on and with my anger, understanding it and myself much better. Great loss also has a way of tempering anger, helping you to see the value in every moment and choose not to waste those moments. However, I can't seem to let go of the anger I continue to feel at my brother and mother, for trying to force me to choose between my brother and B (you know how ultimatums like THAT usually turn out!). For creating and perpetuating unhealthy and very inappropriate relationships and behaviors in my family. For driving a wedge between my family.
A wise and very intuitive friend shared with me recently an exercise she's been using when she experiences anger--an emotion she hates to see and feel in herself. She said, "I ask the anger what it needs. Ask the anger what it needs. Such love for that anger."
This issue of anger with my brother and mother has become woven into my fibers over the past 4 years. Every time I try to extricate those threads, not wanting them to be a part of "my cloth," I seem to simply create snags in the fabric. Apparently this anger still needs to be a part of me--though I hate it in much the way my friend does. I'm going to consider her exercise and sit with my anger, ask what it needs, offer it some compassion, and try to be a much better listener.
