I believe that our lives (or at least our memories of our lives!) are filled with what we focus on. I have focused a LOT on happiness...joy...pleasure...gratitude. Particularly, and purposefully, since Ds death and Bs death. .
But I think there's value in getting pissed sometimes, too. I've never believed in burying one's emotions, and I used to have D or B to vent to. They would help me see things from other perspectives (those perceived realities can be our downfall...don't believe everything you think!). This would quickly help to neutralize the emotion around the situation. But now I don't have anyone to vent with, other than my therapist, who thinks I don't need him any longer. (Is this what healthy looks like??! That's scary!) So, dear diary, I want to vent a little today, because despite having a good day, I just feel a little pissed today!
I want to be done being pissed that people in my life die. But I'm pissed. My therapist once asked me to consider that I might be an "angel of death," helping people to transition. I find that idea beautiful in someways. It also makes me pissed.
I'm pissed that when I sit down to give thanks for the food in front of me and the blessings in my life, I am still including Sammy--then instantly starting to cry as I remember that he's not with me. I get angry with myself and with life every time this happens (daily).
I'm pissed that my schedule is too full to consider getting another pup. It was supposed to be an easier fall, with lots of farm time (what I love!!). Instead I got roped into this public health/corner store project that is causing me to work 17 hr days, through weekends--and I'm not yet getting paid, as I was supposed to be if I took this on! And I'm not getting the therapeutic farm time I had planned for.
I'm pissed that the day before D was hospitalized I had surgery and an IUD to control bleeding and pain--both of which we were excited for, to help with my pain related to sex. That was one of the best parts of our life!! He never got to enjoy the benefit of that--and neither did I. The IUD was good for five years, it stopped my bleeding, yet I had no sex the entire time I had it, so no idea whether it even worked on that front!
I'm pissed that 6 months after I had the IUD removed, I had the opportunity to resume some sort of sex life. And had to consider birth control. At age 45.
I'm pissed that I made a decision about birth control, now the hormones are giving me night sweats every damn night, yet I no longer have the opportunity to resume that sexual activity I thought might be an occasional pleasure! I know the hormones should help with recurring cysts, so they aren't REALLY a waste, but I'm pissed that I chose these hormone injections and am now only experiencing their negative effects, without being able to enjoy their benefits, as well!
I'm pissed that I even want to have sex. I know I'm at "that age" when I'm supposed to be "in my prime" sexually (life IS cruel)--but I liked it a LOT better when I had no thoughts of/interest in sex, and I wish that part of me had NOT started to come back to life. Couldn't it have waited until I have a partner, if I ever have a partner?!!
I'm pissed that my body can't have babies (why has that never pissed me off before?)--that I can conceive, but cannot carry, so I still have to consider birth control. SO not fair.
I'm pissed that I would like to have a baby.
I'm pissed that my brother is an ass, and has been most of our lives, and that it impacts my entire family.
I'm pissed that my mother STILL lets my brother call the shots, tell me how I should live my life, make me choose between family and people I love, etc. I'm pissed that after he has not talked to me for 4 years because "I won't have anything to do with you as long as you have anything to do with a dying man," she still tells me it is my responsibility to fix things. How can I force him, and why would I want to? (See "fuck yes or no"!)
I'm pissed that I am watching YouTube videos to learn how to replace a breaker in my house. Despite the fact that I love learning, I am SO tired of learning how to take care of things.
I'm pissed that it's bedtime!
