I know that my boys are with me. I don't care how hokey that sounds. I know it.
Loki has been reminding me of many things I'd forgotten. As I sit at the dining table typing this, I feel him jumping at my leg, wanting to be on my lap. I'd forgotten that he did that. When I wake in the mornings, I'm feeling his crazy kisses all over my face. When I come to the door I hear him barking..."hurry, mom, open it, open it!" When I get in, I see him bouncing all over in his excitement, with yips and whines because he can't get enough of me. I used to hold his 5 lb body draped over my left arm, and pet him with my right, rubbing the thick fur on his neck (it used to take forever to dry there after a bath!) and feeling the little hairless spot where he'd had a vaccine reaction as a pup. When I put my arms in that petting position now, I can still feel his body and his fur. I used to tuck him into the top of my bathrobe and let him snuggle in there while I worked, and can again feel the warmth of his body there. I saw him bouncing around the garden (he didn't walk, he bounced and bounded and looked like a little bunny rabbit running through the grass!), digging in the dirt this morning, looking for beans and strawberries while I worked. I think he's making sure that I'm not alone right now.
It's been almost a week since Sam died. A week ago today he felt terrible; we had a really rough night together. The next day he was gone. And unlike the gentle waves of grief I felt when Loki died I was plunged back into the ocean losing Sam--it feels like a culmination of ALL of my grief over the past few years. I've been slowly feeling and seeing him come back this week. Today I looked up from my bedroom, into the hallway, and I swear I saw him there--his shape, his movement--then he was gone. I saw him on the path to the house, walking in the tumbled glass, stopping to pee on the plants lining the walk :-) Maybe tonight both of my boys will join me in my dreams. And maybe tomorrow I will feel a little less like I'm drowning, struggling to find breath, trying to surface from the depths of this grief that is weighing me down again. Funny how one loss brings back all of the others. With each loss, I've had someone left...the pups (and later B) after D died, B and Sammy after Loki died, Sammy after B died. There's no-one left now but the little spirits who are trying to comfort me.