"Let's talk about your relationship. What are the things that you love to do when you're not with him? And I told him that I liked to have deep conversations and I like to read and I didn't like to watch TV that much. And it just suddenly occurred to me that the person I was in the relationship was not the same person that I was outside of the relationship. And I liked the person I was outside of it, and so an hour later I ended the relationship." --Veronica Roth
I listened to this interview with author Veronica Roth last weekend on NPR. When I heard her say this, I wanted to make note of it--it's a conversation I had with myself during the last couple years of Bs life. It's so hard to love someone, care for them (emotionally and physically), know that they are dying, know that you can't imagine your life without them, know that you don't want to leave them during that time--but also know that all of the things you love about yourself are things that person does NOT like, let alone love, about you, and know that you want freedom from feeling bad about yourself. Why should I EVER feel bad that....
I love that I am introverted and am relaxed and creative and joyful in the peace of myself.
I love silence (or quiet music, or nature--peaceful noise!).
I love that I am a planner--and that in planning, I experience more and miss out on less.
I love being organized.
I love being on time for things (or pretty close!).
I love to wear linen, and love that it wrinkles and is soft and loose and baggy and feels nice.
I love when my clothes are loose and do NOT reveal the body below...that is something to be experienced by those with whom I choose to share it.
I love when my hair is curly and messy and easy and no-one is trying to smooth it, to smooth me.
I love neutral colors--they are NOT boring, they are rich with texture and depth. They don't have to announce themselves and steal the show, but rather speak of possibility and of partnership and of a complementary nature.
I love getting up early and watching the world wake up.
I love listening to Peoples Pharmacy on Saturday morning, heading to the farmers market, walking to get a crepe, enjoying intellect and exploration and emotion and sensual immersion.
I love taking a nap.
I love listening to the music that I love listening to...folksy, rhythmic, gentle. I love NOT listening to smooth jazz and R&B. The contrast between musical styles reminds me of the contrast between hair styles.
This list could be a far longer one. Sadly, I know that B could make one like this, too--the opposite of all I've written. He likes to be spontaneous, loud, around lots of people, feeling lots of exuberant joy, surrounded by color and activity and noise. He doesn't care about time or organization. He doesn't care about responsibilities like bill paying or doing taxes or finishing his estate planning before he dies. He loved his pre-cancer life with lots of partying, drinking, beautiful people, travel, sports, play. (There is a reason I wasn't part of that life, but only part of his life after his illness took hold, and he had to slow down, and he had to change his diet, and....) B appreciates a woman in classic and/or "sexy" form-fitting clothes, with smoothed hair. He loves all that I am not. Most of all, he loves being in love, being loved, sharing all of himself with someone and having that someone "get" him. And I hurt him by getting frustrated rather than just "getting"--as much as he hurt me by not being able to accept, over time, who *I* am. We both wanted more in our lives, but we felt "stuck" because of our circumstances, and didn't have the courage to let go. I DO love you, B, and I DO get you (which is why I recognize how we hurt each other and have recognized it for a long time and even tried to talk about it). I miss you tons and miss all of the wonderful things we DID share. Most of all, I DO thank you for this lesson that I will carry through the rest of my life.