a different kind of loss

8.16.2016

Though I don't have a relationship with my brother, he still wants/expects me to maintain a relationship with his son, Jack. That was hard when Jack was younger, but now he is a super-bright 6 year old, and it's getting easier to talk to him on the phone without interacting with his parents.

I was really blessed to get a few days with him recently. For whatever reason, he really loves his Aunt Missy. The first thing he asked was if he could sleep with me at night (we were yurt-camping together). We laid in bed at night, he read to me, and he draped his legs over mine while he did. He fell asleep like this at night, and as the night progressed, he moved closer so that he could drape his arm across me. I never wanted the nights to end! When I left him, he kept running back to me for more hugs and kisses. About ten times. He told me to say hello to my 16yo puppy Sammy, and he waved hello to the spirit of my 14yo puppy Loki, who died a year ago. He said he missed them. He left, then ran back to me again, crying that I was leaving.

I had absolutely no interest in having a child until I met Derek. When we started dating, kids were on the table. But by the time we married, we'd gone through so much mess with his ex-wife and were back in court with her (at the insistence of the parent coordinator and kids' therapists, who were concerned about the kids). Derek said at that time that he changed his mind--he just didn't feel he could handle bringing another child into the mix when his kids were already struggling so much. It broke my heart. I eventually accepted it, and I finally got to a place where I was actually feeling fortunate that we'd not had a child--I was feeling grateful to have time and space for healing and moving into an easier life after his death. Eight months ago I had endometrial ablation to help with health challenges, and the doctor told me that meant that for at least 5 years I'd not be able to carry a child (and I'll be too old by then!). I didn't think twice about it--I couldn't imagine wanting to have a child alone, any more than I could imagine meeting a partner and attempting to get pregnant now, in my 40s, as I finish graduate school and start a new career. It seemed so rushed, and, well...just plain crazy!

And now I had these magical, sleepy nights with my sweet nephew. We talked and played and laughed and snuggled, and suddenly I regretted my surgery. I'm feeling another kind of loss right now.

#loss #family #children #infertility #regret