I have found that when I'm riding a roller coaster of emotions, I am able to hop off that ride if I focus on gratitude. It also helps me to pay more attention to what I value, and make sure I'm filling my life with those things and not getting distracted (distraction...the bane of my existence...!) I've never tried this with grief/sadness, but since I keep sinking to Sammy-depths, I need to try something (besides playing my keyboard 'til 1am--I paid for that late night!).
Do other people have to remind themselves how to be happy? Or do they not have as much sadness? Or do they not care? Or do they not even realize they are unhappy?!
(this is ME after a great Friday work day!)
So...gratitude.
Thursday: It poured rain, I was without my umbrella and a 10 minute walk from my car off campus, and the gas supplier for the labs in my building drove me to my car! My students, 20 yrs younger, invited me to join their bible study (not that I'm interested in the bible study--just so kind that they asked! Our vet called me, just because he was concerned about how I was doing and wanted to check on me. He told me to remember that there are still people to whom I am very important. He made me cry...but it was nice, and they were words I did't realize I needed to hear until I heard them. (He also tried to convince me to get some chicks to raise in the atrium again...and darn it, he made me want that quite badly, just for the little chirping and peeping and fuzzy joy they bring!) I went grocery shopping on the way home, and the very sexy 20-something Argentinean man-child who was talking to me in line at the store listened when I gave my phone number to the cashier for my grocery card discount. He later texted me and asked me out--sneaky! (Yes, I was kinda impressed, though it apparently doesn't take much.) I'm not doing the man thing in my life right now, and I find it kind of creepy going out with someone 20 years younger, and I like guys older than me...but what a stroke to my ego, which feels as old and worn out as the rest of me :-) And finally, the best part of the day...I played my keyboard for 6 hours :-)
Friday: I did one thing, the entire day. I worked at my computer on one project for work from 6am until 10pm, with a break for a shower and 2 meals. I stayed in my pajamas all day (there's something to be grateful for!!)...I have LOVED the research and writing I'm doing and the people I emailed with and talked to on the phone...I made a fabulous new contact that could be another job lead...and I felt like jumping for joy about my work, like that little man above!
Saturday: Started my day with a friend, a hike, cooking breakfast for us while we belted out songs. It was a happy time :-) Had a massage...aaaaaah. Made homemade veggie pizza and it was super-yummy. Got some of my work done AND took time for some laundry and cleaning and doing a puzzle and watching Netflix.
Sunday: Found a note from my stepson when he was very young, about my "secret recipe pancakes." Decided to make them for myself today. Loved the making and the eating :-) Felt happy, not (too) sad, when thinking about him. Took/had time to write the things spinning around in my head. Worked in the yard for 4 hours, got suntanned and scraped up and muddy and happy. Worked with my neuropsych girlfriend on a class we're teaching together later this month on nutrition for healthy brains. Still working on it myself at 11pm. Realizing how much more I love medical nutrition than I love (or don't love) public health nutrition. Good realization, as I consider careers.
Monday: Per my thoughts of a couple of days ago, I'm trying to focus my gratitude more on the things that I take for granted but that sustain me. So today I am grateful that I took time, again, to do more work in my yard. I can see my garden now, I have fall lettuces planted, the weeds around the property are beginning to be tamed, and somehow this all makes my life feel a little bit more under control, as well. The time with my hands in the dirt has also given me time to wander around in my head, considering the problems of the world and fantasizing about solutions. It's been nice! Also, gratitude for an out-of-the-ordinary event. Went to Weaver Street this afternoon for groceries, got a hard cider first and sat outdoors to people watch. Ended up randomly talking to someone...for an hour...taking the conversation up the street for pizza and three more hours! Don't think I've ever done anything like that, but it was fun. Was awesome to sit with someone and talk about politics and public health and the problems with the public school system and past life regression. I finally had my chance to sit and talk about the bigger world! Don't know that I'll ever see him again...it was just a spontaneous and intellectually fulfilling and non-sexual/non-dating very easy few hours. Nice.
Tuesday: AMAZING afternoon. Began to outline my masters thesis, which will also be a process paper that I will submit for publication. I am likely to get 2 publications out of my final internship work--so 3 total out of grad school. Woohoo!!
Wednesday: Great meeting with my financial planner; was a little worried about my savings dipping just below the threshhold I set for myself, but he was very confident. Took a load off my mind. Realized that I have been working with him for 16 yrs...he knew Samson when he was a pup! Nice to have people that stick around in my life, in various capacities. Got together with a girlfriend for dinner, talk about our internships, good food. She brought me chili that she made--nice for someone to cook for me! And she brought me a beer :-) Sweet things to be thankful for.
Thursday: I started on a Thursday, and I'll end on a Thursday--with gratitude for a flexible schedule on occasion. Today, one that allowed for a morning run; 15 minutes of hula-hooping (what better child-like pleasure?!); a phone appt with my therapist while listening to the thrumming of hummingbirds outside my window; affirmation that I'm doing more than okay and am, in fact, "healthy" (and words I should remember: "thank you for the complex way you are managing all of this and using it as an opportunity to learn"); a few minutes to get my hands in the garden in order to calm my aching heart after therapy; a fair amount of productivity; and dinner/drinks with three great friends who are in their 20s, nothing to worry about in life, and just a breath of fresh air!!